serabut

assalamualaikum

this blessful morning welcome that feeling again, i've been stress out this lately with certain things, perhaps i shouldn;t but this weak aishah is trying her best to fully submit herself to Allah, i don't know, it's pretty hard to describe how does it feel, not that i am sceptical, what more snobbish, i seek Allah's protection from any jahiliyyah and al hawa'....

when i was little, i have this one little wish, that i keep it until now, and i try to turn it into reality, tho it's hard, super duper hard... i wish that one day, i could smile to Allah and say "i listen and i do", i just have that dream since young, but as aishah grows older, that dream has somehow missing but Allah always know what's in this little hard., i don't know what will be happening next, i don't know long for how long will i cry after this (i cry at a minimum of 30 mins), i don't know how stress will i be, i don't know, i know that those are negative feelings but thinking that i'll be starting it all over again "alone", i couldn't imagine any positive feelings that i would have, but as i always whisper to Allah, if that bring me nearer to You, "I listen and I do", i pray, and i seek prayers that i'll be strong, super strong for the ummah coz only He knows how weak i am

i am a thinker, and i think and analyse things, when i see people, i "see" what they are thinking, when i see things, i "see" how they are process, and this complicated mind of mine is a special gift from Allah, that explains why i always keep my mouth shut and always posses stern face... because i see problems everywhere and i think on ways to cure,..

i always put myself beside those good people and i will end up feel so small, i want to follow them, i try to make my speech, smile actions and everything because of Allah and how would i expect me riang ria bergembira? to be in His path is a bliss, and we are actually pert of the long chain, but i often ask myself if i actually try to prepare myself for the next generation, and this reflections always haunt me, when we talk about His path, we are not talking just about fikrah and dakwah, Islam is everything, we shouldn't feel good after we understand dakwah, there are lots more to think, and improve....

i don't know, may be again this aishah is complicated

ya Allah,

i seek for ur light to guide me to the true path, this heart only belongs to You

p/s: i hope u see the unseen

i am

Tuhan,

bagaimana mungkin aku mencintai saat itu,

andai diri penuh dosa,

dan hati ini bercampur dengan benda selainMu,

mengapa seakan sukar,

untuk aku tunduk patuh,

menjadi hamba yang merdeka,

dari benda selainMu,

sebak ini seakan tidak mampu aku tanggung,

aku hanya ingin jadi hamba yang patuh,

yang hanya memikirkan tentang bekerja untukMU,

namun ujian yang datang,

seakan sukar untuk aku hadapi,

Tuhan,

hati ini hanya miliMu,

tak ingin aku kongsi dengan sesiapa,

walau mereka punya hak yang perlu aku tunai,

namun bagaimana mampu untuk aku beri,

andai kepadaMu gagal aku serahkan segala

Tuhan,

seakan sukar untuk aku percaya,

bahawa ini medanku yang telah kau cipta,

ampun kan diri kerna masih mengintai,

peluang untuk aku syahid di PalestinaMu,

dengan jasad bersimbah darah,

dan setiap saat yang aku ada sebagai pahlawan,

agar diri ini penuh sedia,

dan dunia ini mampu aku campak ke hujugnya,,

Tuhan,

dalam pasrah, aku belajar untuk redha,

dan menerima ketentuanMu penuh cinta,

agar Kau dapat aku hadrikan memenuhi jiwa,

agar di hati hanya ada Kamu,

dan setiap saat yang aku miliki untukMu,

agar aku mampu merindui saat itu

berehat setelah kepenatan di dunia ini

agar aku mampu mencintai mereka yang lain

walau itu terlalu sukar.....

dear Allah, i'm weak