ان معى ربي سيهدين

20- Dia berkata, "Bagaimana mungkin aku mempunyai anak lelaki padahal tidak pernah ada orang yang menyentuhku dan aku bukan seorang penzina!"

21- Dia berkata, " Demikianlah". Tuhanmu berfirman, "Hal itu mudah bagiKu, dan agar Kami menjadikannya satu tanda bagi manusia dan sebagai rahmat dari Kami, dan hal itu adalah suatu urusan yang diputuskan"

22- Maka dia mengandung, lalu dia mengasingkan diri dengan kandungannya itu ke tempat yang jauh

23- Kemudian rasa sakit akan melahirkan memaksanya pada pangkal pohon kurma, dia berkata, "Wahai, betapa aku mati sebelum ini, dan aku menjadi seorang yang tidak diperhatikan dan dilupakan"

24- Maka dia berseru kepadanya dari tempat yang rendah "Janganlah engkau bersedih hati, sesungguhnya Tuhanmu telah menjadikan anak sungai dibawahmu

25- Dan goyangkanlah pohon kurma itu ke arahmu, niscaya itu akan menggugurkan buah kurma yang masak kepadamu

(Maryam)
____________________________________________________________________________

61- Dan ketika kedua golongan itu saling melihat, berkatalah pengikut-pengikut Musa, "Kita benar-benar akan tersusul"

62- Dia menjawab, "Sekali-kali tidak akan, sesungguhnya Tuhanku bersamaku, Dia akan memberi petunjuk kepadaku"

63- Lalu Kami wahyukan kepada Musa, "Pukullah laut itu dengan tongkatmu". Maka terbelahlah lautan itu, dan setiap belahan seperti gunung yang besar.

64- Dan di sanalah Kami dekatkan golongan yang lain

65- Dan Kamu selamatkan Musa dan orang-orang yang bersamanya

(asy-Syu'ara')
_________________________________________________________________________

7- Dan Kami ilhamkan kepada ibunya Musa, "Susuilah dia, dan apabila engkau khawatir terhadapnya maka hanyutkanlah dia ke sungai. Dan janganlah engkau takut dan jangan bersedih hati sesungguhnya Kami akan mengembalikannya kepadamu, dan menjadikannya salah seorang rasul

8- Dan hati ibu Musa menjadi kosong. Sungguh hampir saja dia menyatakannya, seandainya tidak Kami teguhkan hatinya, agar dia termasuk orang-orang yang beriman

22- Dan ketika dia menuju ke arah negeri Madyan dia berdoa lagi "Mudah mudahan Tuhanku memimpin aku ke jalan yang benar"

24- ... "Ya Tuhanku, sesungguhnya aku sangat memerlukan sesuatu kebaikan yang Engkau turunkan kepadaku"

(al-Qasas)
__________________________________________________________________________

Putting myself in Nabi Musa, her mother and Maryam RA shoes, I can't keep my tears. He has been very nice to me.
Indeed, the help is so near!

P/s: Final exam for engineering is officially tomorrow! To You I surrender!

jaded? Bangun!

22- dan ketika orang-orang mukmin melihat golongan-golongan itu, mereka berkata, "Inilah yang dijanjikan Allah dan Rasulnya kepada kita". Dan benarlah Allah dan RasulNya. Dan yang demikian itu menambahkan keimanan dan keislaman mereka.
(al-Ahzab)
______________________________________________________________________________

39- Katakanlah, "Sungguh, Tuhanku melapangkan rezeki dan membatasinya bagi siapa yang Dia kehendaki di antara hamba-hambaNya". Dan apa saja yang kamu infaqkan, Allah akan menggantinya dan Dialah pemberi rezeki yang terbaik
(Saba')
_______________________________________________________________________________

15- Wahai manusia! Kamulah yang memerlukan Allah; dan Dialah Yang Mahakaya, Maha Terpuji.
(Fatir)
_______________________________________________________________________________

35- Dan mereka berkata,"Segala puji bagi Allah yang telah menghilangkan kesedihan dari kami. Sungguh, Tuhan kami benar-benar Maha Pengampun, Maha Mensyukuri,

36- yang dengan karuniaNya menempatkan kami dalam tempat yang kekal, di dalamnya kami tidak merasa lelah dan tidak pula merasa lesu
(Fatir)
_______________________________________________________________________________

To conclude:

4- Sungguh, Kami telah menciptakan manusia berada dalam susah payah 
(al-Balad)

2- Yang menciptakan mati dan hidup, untuk menguji kamu, siapa di antara kamu yang lebih baik amalnya. Dan Dia Maha Perkasa, Maha Pengampun

*belajar susah? Memang itu pun, maka bekerjalah, dan teruskan bekerja, sebab things will never be easier, we just need to be better!
**final in 2 weeks time

huge space

assalamualaikum warahmatullah...

i always have this question in my mind, how am I going to love a lot of people? i don't think i have such a huge space in my heart for me to love people. love means devotion, responsible, commitment and lots more. even worse, i don't really have a lot of time to whisper specific doa for specific people that i love. i just cannot because they are just many! embracing this summer with mindset as orang yang bakal ditinggalkan and we really count you, i know that i have such a huge task to work on soon, very soon! and i know that i cannot make that if i don't have them in my heart. and that occupies my mind. one of my prayer list for this summer is to learn to love a lot of people.
I saw Serial Cinta by Us Anis Matta during DW. and i know that i have to grab it. i just love the feeling of indulging myself with books, reading the thoughts, enjoying and indulging with the language, and swimming in the stories. Alhamdulillah, Allah answers my prayers. just what i need at this point of time! kekuatan jiwa!
i couldn't argue for much when he said erti cinta ialah memberi dan kita takkan memberi kalau kita tidak memiliki. so, where do you get the love from? Allah! the stronger the kekuatan jiwa you have, the stronger the love that you can give! cinta ialah memberi, memberi tanpa mengharapkan balasan. memberi sampai orang tu rasa diberi dan walaupun tak diberi balik, cukuplah Allah maha Pemberi!
Allah! i just couldn't keep the feeling! now i know!
now only I understand when ISHAB said kita menawan mereka dengan kasih sayang. it's a pure love i am telling you. love of the ummah to help them saving their life from hell fire, and it just a matter of love!

and while sending choy off, we discussed this topic together with auni.
i am telling you that to give is just so dahsyat! i cannot deny that i need some space for my own, just to recharge. "kadang-kadang aku tak layan anak usrah aku sebab waktu tu aku tak mampu nak bagi. dan aku banyak diam dengan diorang. sebab aku tak tahu apa nak bagi", somebody said. and me too most of the times would laying down with my eyes glaring up high, searching, bulding and recharging the strength! i cant stop tears running. it is indeed a huge responsibility and love and therefore deserves big heart! ya Allah, help me with that!

to love is to give!

ya Allah, sesungguhnya aku memohon kepadaMu agar selalu mencintaiMu, mencintai orang orang yang mencintaiMu, dan amal perbuatan yang dapat mengahtarkanku untuk mencintaiMu. ya Allah, jadikanlah cintaku kepadaMu melebihi cinta pada diriku, keluargaku dan melebihi air yang menyejukkan. (HR at-Tirmidzi)

p/s: aishah hopes you see the unseen

assalamualaikum warahmatullah.

second eid adha away from home. i was suffocating actually. trying hardly to really understand what eid adha is supposed to mean. may Allah forgive me for my weaknesses to really treasure eid adha.

had a rush early in the morning. alhamdulillah, listening to the khutbah asleep. but something is missing, i just don't know what. and Allah comforted my by giving me  a chance to perform solat beside a sister, from Turkey i guess. and after giving salam, she quickly shaked my hands, kissed me and greated me with eid mubarak. bliss. i just couldn't explain. hearing someone praying for my goodness is really a bliss. being love. may Allah reward you with greatness sister. but sooner later, the atmosphere was filled with selamat hari raya wishes. Allah. i just couldn't take it. no, no. this is not what i am seearching for. it couldn't be just a plain selamat hari raya wishes. plain. dull. you say it all. i tried searching for other muslims, greating them with eid muabarak. and alhamdulillah, arabic class in the evening enlighten me.

journey to cardiff. i was exhausted to be honest. too tired actually. listening to the recordings, trying hard not to asleep but unfortunately dozzed off. and i was plain at that time. praying full heartedly that Allah will teach me something for this eid. teach me something big this eid. i want to treasure eid by heart.

and waking up from sleep in mosque. Allah. what a bliss!

had taujih on ISK. jubilant. menghidupkan hati yang telah lama mati dengan himmah dan hamasah.

had a wrap from a Palestinian who owned a restaurant. Allah! and before i left the shop, the owner greeted me with Fi amanillah. another doa, alhamdulillah.

my ticket back to coventry was via birmingham. i was supposed to take any train that will stop at birmingham and change it before taking another train to coventry. but i've gotta change twice. Allah. i don't want. i want to change once. i am just too tired. and i wanna have a long sleep. i was supposed to change at bristol parkway, the ticket collector told me that but i refused. i chose to sleep till reading.

i was in the train and waiting for the ticket collector. greeted him and allowing him to check on my ticket.before something that really made me ponder all the way back.

"u've taken the wrong way!"
"what?" (yes. i know.)
"u should be taking train via birmingham. i'll let u off today. but somebody might not in future".
"yes. thank you very much".

and that's the biggest tarbiyyah for my journey to cardiff. i was just too tired, and i just wanna get rest. but i've taken the wrong way. rehat kan di syurga?

thank you Allah for that. truly enlighten my day after i was just thinking about relaxing. getting enough sleep.

a big reminder for myself. alhamdulillah, it was from ticket driver. imagine in the day of akhirah, when Allah said, "u've taken the wrong way"

na'uzubillah. Allah.

keep us on the right path.
the path of those upon whom Thou hast bestowed favors. not of those upon whom Thy wrath is brought down, nor of those who go astray.
(Al-Fatiha:6,7)

alhamdulillah, Al-Fatiha means deeper to me now.

sunnguh! tiada daya dan upaya kita selain dari Allah

p/s: aishah hopes u see the unseen

assalamualaikum warahmatullah....

few weeks ago:

cried terribly seeing mr tan's pictures in Turkey. including captions. ya Allah sampaikanlah. i desperately need that...

few days ago:

someone gave me a business class ticket to Turkey. i was about to pack when suddenly my hand pressed the snooze button. cried. ya Allah, sampaikanlah....

yesterday:

edgi (a Turkish): u went to Yemen last summer?
ben (an English): i did.
edgi: i went to Palestine last summer.
me: what? u went to Palestine? serious?
edgi: I did.
me: what did you do over there?
edgi: we had a summer camp. helping the kids. we went there with our groups of pilots.
me: where on Palestine did you go?
edgi: Westbank. we stayed there for 3 months..

my heart was exploding. ya Allah. why so hard? a Turkish. went to Palestine. what a complete set.
and the trials to really beriman with this ayat increasing.

"And it does not beseem the believers that they should go forth all together; why should not then a company from every party from among them go forth that they may apply themselves to obtain understanding in religion, and that they may warn their people when they come back to them that they may be cautious"          (at-Taubah:122)

Allah. weak. i am. even a verse is hard for you to really accept open heartily and work into amal.

oh, ben and edgi are just 20. Allah. i try. i am trying my best actually to really beriman with that verse, accepting the fact that my battle field is here. accepting the fact that going to Gaza is not everything, that's not my goal, redha Allah is. and where ever i am, when ever it is, pleasing Allah is my only desire. astaghfirullah, how intelligent syaitan is. even going to Gaza can actually be wrong if the goal is to satisfy our heart, not Allah.

may Allah place me in Gaza or where ever place that He is please with. and may Allah allow me to meet the Palestinians where ever and  when ever He likes, if not here, insha Allah in the here after.

sungguh! tiada daya dan upaya kita selain dari Allah

p/s: aishah hopes you see the unseen

to-work-on

assalamualaikum warahmatullah

in the night of 24th Ramadhan. i can't never thank Allah enough fo rgiving such a nice feeling about Ramadhan. i don't know, it's hard to describe. welcoming ramadhan with too many things to juggle and with "nice" weather here in Malaysia, i have mix feelings towards Ramdhan. only Allah knows and may He forgive me for that.

the first weekend home after 5 weekends away. masha Allah. i don't know. there are just too many things to think on. it wasn't many, it might be just 5 or 6, may be up to 10 but that things are not just tiny. Allah knows where best to put His servants. all the things in mind need details. i can't just think, but to work on the details, and i can't just work on the details but to think further on the implementation. and i struggle that a lot. trying my best to co-relate each things because they are seriously related. trying my best to give the best that i can. ya Allah, help me for that.

living home with family around, u just can't run away from indulging with the thougths, worries and concerns that they have. i'm trying my best to understand how things work. trying to recall on how i used to be before i was 13. too bad that i can't. i am sorry for that. i hope changes are for better.

having friends around are something that u need to fully utilise. this is the part on which i fail the most. i am sorry for that guys. reaching malaysia without informing anybody and went to Kl few times without meeting anyone, i am sorry for that. my bad. i'm trying to work it out. been home since the end of June without old friends around home not knowing that. i am sorry again. i try to fix in, biiznillah

and the list goes down i believe. none could come and force me to think only on a thing because i just can't. it just me and the way i think. how i wish i could concentrate on things and start to focus but i am sorry that i can't. i am trying my best to work on things that i see and capable of doing. still coping to put things into order.

and one thing that i wish that i can get rid and people always forget, i was in Bukit Merbah for 5 years. i might abke to get rid on things that i feel not right but i just couldn't let the good things go away as well. i were trained i am telling you. PERFECTIONIST! especially on works. and i'm struggling for that, a real struggle because MUSLIMS are near to perfections because we have Allah. and i know how do i work.

i am bit left with current issues. i seek Allah's forgiveness for that. still merangkak to get myself on track back especially on Palestine, Muslims, politics, economies etc. keeping things updated and not just update but analyse.

and u expect me to be an engineer when there are just too many things to put in order?

"i can't never see u as engineer. trust me, u're borned to be somebody" -Raihan Jan

and ma and abah got shocked when i told them, "i don't know what should i be later"

and i choose to let things flow :)

after all, worries not. i am enjoying every little tarbiyyah that Allah is teaching :) i am happy for all those. and i am glad for those :)

and i pray that i will meet Allah with my heart full of His blessings and me too is bless to meet Him.

p/s: aishah hopes u see the unseen

hold on

assalamualaikum warahmatullah.

i am 21
and i do feel that i am old
i am trying my best to be 21
to be syabab like what the ummah dreams on
to be the best hamba like what Allah demanded
and to be the best dua't like what the Prophet did
and too many things coming in
this in
another thing in
and i am just too bad to put things on
everything lingering on minds
and i just hate to write it down
kerja nak bina ummah is not easy
and it is not pun
everything is not
and we choose which difficulty to indulge in
the one that u keep on suffering even till the Hereafter
or the one that u can have eternal rest later
this head is knocking
but working not
Allah
i do try my best to juggle things
to put things into order
to keep myself updated
and to keep everyone in position
and for the time that i fail
i am sorry
for the time that i forget
do remind me
for the time that i go astray
take me back
because i do misleading
i do mistakes
i am sorry that i am weak
but i am glad that i am weak
because from there i realise
that I have Allah Al-Qawiy
i have Him to hold on
hold on
it just a little bit more
stay calm
stay focus
stay organize
stay living

p/s: aishah hopes u see the unseen

aishahabdulhalim

Live or Leave

penat

pancit

pengsan

tak larat

masalah?

bertambah!

berkurang?

tak pernah!

memang ini hakikat jalan menuju Allah kan?

problem come and rarely go

we try to manage people but the hearts cannot

we try to put things together

but end up not be

we try to sort things out

but end up not

we try to wake up

but later we fall many times

and the obstacles keep on coming

too many

too much

until we can't take it

and slowly we whisper

indeed! there is no power other than Allah!

wholeheartedly.

and slowly we smile.

dear Allah,

i am abdullah, ur slave....

may Allah bless

Allah!

a few things in my mid, but they are taking lots of spaces in my mind. i really need to sort things out. i miss Allah badly, and i truly feel that i am such His weakest creation. this is life, i have been wasting ages and i really need to utilise whatever time left now. changes are just so hard. the attractions are just so tremendous yet the imaan is just so little.

Allah,
U know how tiny and useless i am, and U know how terribly i need You. do guide me, help me to seek for ur taufiq, help me to keep myself on the right path. and help me to face all the hardships. i don't mind all these struggles, mehnah and tribulation as long as i have You.

Allah,
lots of things to be done. lots in the list to be improved. yet time is getting less and less. please, in this time left, help me to keep myself on the right path. help me to build and shape myself closer to Your beloved. and even if i fall; which i always do, please don't let me go astray.

i wanna see You. i want to be with You. i am longing for a date with You. do accept my wish to be with You.

Allah,
i am weak. and You are The strongest.

sungguh! tiada daya dan upaya kita selain dari Allah!

p/s: aishah hopes u see the unseen

J I N A K

assalamualaikum warahmatullah..

i thought i am concious and aware with my surroundings, what more myself! but when my good friend said to me, "kita telah dijinakkan"! i paused! and i reflect! and i was speechless. indeed i am! indeed we are!!!

Tekad (A Tribute to Izzatul Islam)

Album : Ini Langkahku
Munsyid : Shoutul Harokah
http://liriknasyid.com

Kami sadari jalan ini kan penuh onak dan duri
Aral menghadang dan kezhaliman yang akan kami hadapi
Kami relakan jua serahkan dengan tekad di hati
Jasad ini, darah ini sepenuh ridho Illahi

Kami adalah panah-panah terbujur
Yang siap dilepaskan dari busur
Tuju sasaran, siapapun pemanahnya

Kami adalah pedang-pedang terhunus
Yang siap terayun menebas musuh
Tiada peduli siapapun pemegangnya
Asalkan ikhlas di hati tuk hanya ridho Illahi Robbi...

Kami adalah tombak-tombak berjajar
Yang siap di lontarkan dan menghujam
Menembus dada, lantakkan keangkuhan

Kami adalah butir-butir peluru
Yang siap ditembakkan dan melaju
Dan mengoyak, menumbang kezhaliman
Asalkan ikhlas di hati tuk jumpa wajah Illahi Rabbi...

Kami adalah mata pena yang tajam
Yang siap menuliskan kebenaran
Tanpa ragu ungkapkan keadilan

Kami pisau belati yang slalu tajam
Bak kesabaran yang tak pernah padam
Tuk arungi da'wah ini jalan panjang
Asalkan ikhlas di hati menuju jannah Illahi Robbi... 

 

i remember the first time i heard this song. i cried terribly. and i can't afford to sing. it was during mukhayam. and through out the mukhayam, i ask Allah for the strength, i pray that i can sing this song from the bottom of my heart. and i did. and the moment was priceless. and the song was actually my promise to Allah. our promise actually. did u all remember that?

 

and now, from the bottom of my heart, i would like to ask myself and u my siblings,

 

what is happening to all the panah-panah yang terbujur yang  siap dilepaskan dari busur?

what is happening to all the pedang-pedang terhunus Yang siap terayun menebas musuh?

what is happening to all the  tombak-tombak berjajar Yang siap di lontarkan dan menghujam?

 

moga Allah mengampunkan kita atas segala tindakan, himmah serta cita-cita kita untuk syahid pada masa kita bersama-sama dahulu andai dasarnya adalah atas semangat semata-mata dan bukannya iman.

 

i am saying this to myself and u that i love because of Allah,

 

at times, we complain that we have problems with Allah, our iman is sickening, ukhuwaah problem here and there. and we all believe that the root of all the problem is iman, but i wonder, what have we done to work for our iman? amal is the product of iman. we are busy thinking and realising that we don't contribute much to da'wah, but i wonder, what have we contribute to our relationship with Allah? if we really care about our iman, we will take extreme care on our mutabaah. i am asking myself and u that i love, when was the last time we have our tahajjud, when was the last time we fast? when was the last time we recite istighfar?how's our tilawah? how's our hafazan? people will fight for their iman, for them to complete their mutabahh because they know that is the rope that tie them to Allah. i feel with me and us, for the fact that we are lousy. 

 

it's about time to get serious with Islam. we are 21 sisters, we are not young anymore. we've been playing here and there, it's time to get back to jihad and da'wah. if we have been jinak for all this while, let's istighfar and be back. yes! be back.

 

jemaah is just something to help us. tarbiyyah should make us better, we are tigers sisters! we are not kijang!!! we have lots of potential, let them out, ummah needs them! 

 

i am saying this to me and myself! it's either we move together with da'wah or da'wah will leave us. stop giving excuses, if we do, let's pray that Allah will accept our excuses. we are not kids! we are rijal! we've been in tarbiyyah for quite sometimes, and yet we behave like we have never been. 

 

may Allah forgive us for our ignorance, for our childishness, for our stupidity. it's never too late sisters, NEVER!!!

 

p/s: aishah hopes u see the unseen.

20 + 1

assalamualaikum warahmatullah

Allah! sungguh! tiada daya dan upaya kita selain dari Dia.

in the 5th week of my Easter Break, weeks of searching and finding and ....

things are hard to describe, even i myself confuse. i know where i'm going and heading but i don't know where these people are bringing me to. and Allah grant me the feeling even though just mere of what Rasulullah felt when wahyu stop for months. and also what Nabi Musa felt when he longing for murabbi and bean his journey to find his murabbi. often i ask myself, isn;t just the complicated me, at times i am afraid if the egoistic me playing the role. i wish that the jahiliyyah part that i used to had, the ideology that i lived and fought for has been totally discarded. and whenever such things come, i can't afford to move on, i pause and reflect,...

and Allah always knows how to calm me down, to clear my doubts, He sent me, and us a murabbi, and alhamdulillah, from her i found the answer, i see the big picture, i know what's going on and i know that i gotta play the role.

at times, i say to Allah that i am just 21, and i don't really have someone who hold my hands and guide me step by step. i am just too young to be telling those people older than me, i am just one person, what difference can i make? i don't know, it's always this inner conflicts that keep me thinking and thinking and when i think, i always have this one look that disguise people i kno. and for that i prefer to keep myself away :p

i remember when i was young, i was addicted to ultraman, all types of ultraman, and silently i whisper to be among the team, not he ultraman but the team who always keep themselves aware with whatever enemies that have the intention to attack the earth. and i remember i once had this little fight with my dearest friend trying to comfort her that ultraman is a good movie, it's not crap.
and also when i was in standard 6, i had fight again with my friends convincing them that staying in hostl can help u to develop self esteem etc.
and when i was in Bukit Merbah, i took 2 years to adapt my teenage life.
and when i was in the debate team, i start to explore myself.
and the journey of exploring continued until i took my step to KMB.
and the peak was when i start to understand tarbiyyah.

and my murabbi simplifies my journey in very simple sentence : u're a thinker. u think, analyse and put things in order.

and she explained the hadith regarding solat asar di bani quraizah to me well, very well.

and i took a very deep breath, putting all the puzzles together, looking into her eyes, and i made a promise to Allah, that i won't give up.

21 might be young to some people, still very new to tarbiyyah, but the past generations proved us that 21 is the age of syabab. 21 means a big thing, usamah became the Jeneral when he was just 18, Sultan Muhammad was also 21, Hassan al-Banna was also 21, and lots more people become syabab when they were around that age.

i better stop looking at everything using the wrong glasses. i should start looking on things on Allah's point of view. i had became somebody and used all my potentials when i was in jahiliyyah and why shouldn't i limit them after i understand Islam. whatever things that Allah gives me is an amanah and it would be questioned later. what should i answer to Allah ?;(

lots more to explain, i try to be as good as i could, life without murabbi (or murabbiah) is caca merba. u just don't know how to put things in order. but that's what Allah wants me to learn. He knows me best, how to tarbiyyah me, how to slowly but deeply guide me.

i should open my heart to His language, to His signs, to His armies.

and i hereby declare that i should be reading asas-asas Islam, dasar-dasar Islam, raheeq maqtum and all the sahabahs stories AGAIN!!!! yes, again!!!

lots more to learn, and learning process should never jinakkan whatever potential that we have.

lets start seeing and viewing things with Allah's glasses.

sungguh! tiada daya dan upaya kita selain dari Dia!!!

ya Allah! i seek for Your guidance and purification.

p/s: aishah hopes u see the unseen.

indecisive

Assalamualaikum warahmatullah.

It's been a while since I lie to myself. I thought I can be strong, I am big enough to face the reality, but o can't deny that o am deeply weak. At times, we live, we work and we believe as what we hope we can, we wish and work for something that we believe. I thought I've found something that I've been searching for long, but later I realise that i know nothing. Most of the time, I believe that I do things because of Allah but later i doubt. I don't know. Life without guidance is insane. It is. And I live, I walk, and keep on living with hope that there will be light in some part of the world. And Allah will test, but He will never abandon us. But it just later that i realise that this black dirty heart is too weak that fail to read Allah's language and sign. For all this while, I tried, I tried to grow up, live my life as an adult, pretending that i am matured and ready to face and embrace challenges, but later i realise that i am nothing. I thought i have something but sooner I know I have nothing.

Ya Allah, I pray, whatever tests that u're putting on me, I bet u, please. Don't let me go astray. I can't afford to lose You. Even when You are taking the whole world from me, please, don't take You from me. Tho it sounds like I'm about to die, please keep me living. I am too weak, and i seek for purification.

hanya Dia. kerana Dia. cukup Dia.

Assalamualaikum warahmatullah

Allah! Sungguh! Tiada daya dan upaya kita selain dari Dia. Allah sangat hebat. Dia akan terus menguji sehinggalah dalam hati kita hanya Ada Dia. Tanpa perlu bergantung pada manusia. Tanpa! Kita mungkin boleh mengadu, bercerita, berharap agar manusia faham Dan membantu tanpa kita sedar akhirnya mereka tak faham. Mereka tak beri pertolongan yang kita harapkan. Mereka tak faham situasi yang kita alami. Kita terlampau berharap, berharap pada manusia, sedang kita lupa, kepada Dia sepatutnya kita bergantung harap. Hanya Dia! Cukup Dia! Dia Maha Mendengar, mendengar sendu seorang hamba yang butuh akan pencerahan, sendu seorang hamba yang mengharapkan bimbingan. Sendu seorang hamba yang mengharapkan pertolongan tatkala merasakan dirinya sedang menuju ke jurang neraka.

Tak Senang. Susah. Sangat. Untuk kita berlari menuju Dia. Dalam diri terus ditarik oleh jahiliyyah yang tak pernah kenal penat. Berharap ada tangan-tangan yang akan lawan tarik tali dengan jahiliyyah. Tapi tiada. Allah izin begitu. Sebab Allah ingin kita sendiri. Ya Allah. Aku dah jauh sangat dari Kau. Aku menuju jurang kehinaan. Selamatkan aku. Kau takkan menzalimi hambaMu. Adu lah. Menangis lah. Tunduk dan sujudlah. Hanya pada Dia. Jangan diharap pada manusia. Mereka mungkin takkan berada tatkala jahiliyyah hampir menang. Jangan diharap pada ukhuwwah. Juga pada orang kita berukhuwwah. Bergantunglah pada Tuhan pemberi ukhuwwah.

Kita mungkin tak lagi seiringan sekarang. Kamu di hadapan, aku di belakang. Jangan takut dan sedih. Selagi aku punya Dia, aku akan terus berjalan. Walau aku hanya merangkak sedang kalian berlarian. Itu janji. Bukan pada kamu. Tapi pada Dia. Hanya Dia. Untuk Dia. Cukup Dia.

tsabat

assalamualaikum warahmatullah

may all of us in good iman and health

i don't know, it was a few days ago that i paused and reflect; do i really want Allah?
and that question made me ponder for the whole day and i can't do anything on that day,, do i want Allah? do i really want Allah? i don't know, living here, with so many things different and free from Malaysia, without parents, good friends, naqibah what more bi'ah, i could do all the things that i want but seldom i asked myself, is it really iman that keeps me sane? or actually the culture and norms that i used to?

do we really want Allah? not need, but want; 2 different things... we seldom feel need, unless we are at the bottom most level of life, but want is a very challenging feeling, do u really want Allah even when u feel really sleepy and u have good bed and duvet to sleep? do u really want Allah if u could spend money travelling the world rather visiting friends in this path? do u really want Allah when u have all the good food, drinks and lots more?

do u really want Allah; what does ur heart said? ironic, when actions and mouth don't go together... but that is often right? put aside the da'wah part, we are not even Muslims at heart even we are busy updating our status on FB or telling our Kuffur friends that we are Muslims...

i don't know, when Allah said, submit not just yourself, but also wealth and soul, i couldn't afford not to agree that y soul is not fully belong to Allah... i can't deny that even i bow my head down whispering Allah..Allah..Allah, but my heart doesn't collaborate, and i couldn't deny that there are still lots more thing to improve... we are busy telling people about Islam, reading books about Islam, travelling here and there visiting heritage and cultures left by Islam once but we are actually nothing, our heart are empty, we are doing all those stuff for the sake of our nafs, Allah is not in our hearts when we are busy snapping pictures when visiting Spain, Turkey etc, Allah is not in our heart when we read books, even worst Allah is not in ur heart when we are busy talking about Islam

astaghfirullah,,

ya Allah,
u know what's in our little heart,
it's still too far; to submit ourselves fully to Allah,
but i bet u,
to still keep us on this path
to still guide us on ur way
tho we are nobody
tho we are just little tiny creature
but we Want YoU
We need You

and i am a slave to You,

dear Allah,
i am weak

p/s: hati ini milik Dia
i hope u see the unseen

L.O.N.G.I.N.G

assalamualaikum warahmatullah

people said, when u stop blogging for a long time, that shows something is not right with ur iman, if really your intention of blogging is sincerely, purely because of Allah, and that statement touched me, i paused and reflect, indeed it is.

it's been 9 weeks, since i've been here, the land that i've been longing since 12, the ambition that i've keeping since 12, the dreams... i don't know, i remember when i was in teens, when i was eagerly seeking the true meaning of Islam, when i was truly confuse with my own religion until the time when i was undoubtedly believe and have faith in Allah... it was a long time, before Allah grant me a truly amazing nikmah, that was the time... i remember when i was putting this strong desire with my dearest seeker buddy, we promised to fly to UK together, to understand and practice Islam better, to be good Muslims, we promised to go to Spain together, sitting together, embracing and appreciating Islam... i miss the feeling, truly, Allah, i don't know where had things gone, since i've been here, i can't lie that the emptiness had seem to dominate most of my time here, it made me reflect most of the time, why didn't i feel closer to Allah here? why didn't i feel that the universe is having zikir with me? why didn't i feel that Allah is comforting me with His sun... i don't know..

it's been a long time, since i remembered the Palestinians, since i cried badly being a sinner, it's been a long time that i forget my ambition, and it's been even a long time, that i feel as a servant.. too many things to reflect, every second we are getting nearer to death, but too bad that my deeds was terrible, i scared, scared of meeting Him with my heart is partially or may be full with dunyah, i miss having the feeling to change because of Him, it's always good to muhasabah all the time, perhaps my istighfar had now become a routine, astaghfirullah, and my zikir become likes songs, astaghfirullah, no wonder the sun had no longer warm me, no wonder the squirrel and birds no longer looking at me, no wonder the trees become my shadow, because i am a sinner, i seek Allah's forgiveness

oh Allah,

i really longing the feeling; to fully submit myself and most importantly my heart and feeling to You, to You they all belongs, to You we are all looking for, i seek for forgiveness, i seek for guidance, i seek for solutions, i seek for forgiveness, i seek for blessing, even i know... that i don't deserve all those...

p/s: aishah hopes u see the unseen

p/s: dym, we'll go to andalus one day, biiznillah

p/s: jan, i'm longong for what u're feeling now

serabut

assalamualaikum

this blessful morning welcome that feeling again, i've been stress out this lately with certain things, perhaps i shouldn;t but this weak aishah is trying her best to fully submit herself to Allah, i don't know, it's pretty hard to describe how does it feel, not that i am sceptical, what more snobbish, i seek Allah's protection from any jahiliyyah and al hawa'....

when i was little, i have this one little wish, that i keep it until now, and i try to turn it into reality, tho it's hard, super duper hard... i wish that one day, i could smile to Allah and say "i listen and i do", i just have that dream since young, but as aishah grows older, that dream has somehow missing but Allah always know what's in this little hard., i don't know what will be happening next, i don't know long for how long will i cry after this (i cry at a minimum of 30 mins), i don't know how stress will i be, i don't know, i know that those are negative feelings but thinking that i'll be starting it all over again "alone", i couldn't imagine any positive feelings that i would have, but as i always whisper to Allah, if that bring me nearer to You, "I listen and I do", i pray, and i seek prayers that i'll be strong, super strong for the ummah coz only He knows how weak i am

i am a thinker, and i think and analyse things, when i see people, i "see" what they are thinking, when i see things, i "see" how they are process, and this complicated mind of mine is a special gift from Allah, that explains why i always keep my mouth shut and always posses stern face... because i see problems everywhere and i think on ways to cure,..

i always put myself beside those good people and i will end up feel so small, i want to follow them, i try to make my speech, smile actions and everything because of Allah and how would i expect me riang ria bergembira? to be in His path is a bliss, and we are actually pert of the long chain, but i often ask myself if i actually try to prepare myself for the next generation, and this reflections always haunt me, when we talk about His path, we are not talking just about fikrah and dakwah, Islam is everything, we shouldn't feel good after we understand dakwah, there are lots more to think, and improve....

i don't know, may be again this aishah is complicated

ya Allah,

i seek for ur light to guide me to the true path, this heart only belongs to You

p/s: i hope u see the unseen

i am

Tuhan,

bagaimana mungkin aku mencintai saat itu,

andai diri penuh dosa,

dan hati ini bercampur dengan benda selainMu,

mengapa seakan sukar,

untuk aku tunduk patuh,

menjadi hamba yang merdeka,

dari benda selainMu,

sebak ini seakan tidak mampu aku tanggung,

aku hanya ingin jadi hamba yang patuh,

yang hanya memikirkan tentang bekerja untukMU,

namun ujian yang datang,

seakan sukar untuk aku hadapi,

Tuhan,

hati ini hanya miliMu,

tak ingin aku kongsi dengan sesiapa,

walau mereka punya hak yang perlu aku tunai,

namun bagaimana mampu untuk aku beri,

andai kepadaMu gagal aku serahkan segala

Tuhan,

seakan sukar untuk aku percaya,

bahawa ini medanku yang telah kau cipta,

ampun kan diri kerna masih mengintai,

peluang untuk aku syahid di PalestinaMu,

dengan jasad bersimbah darah,

dan setiap saat yang aku ada sebagai pahlawan,

agar diri ini penuh sedia,

dan dunia ini mampu aku campak ke hujugnya,,

Tuhan,

dalam pasrah, aku belajar untuk redha,

dan menerima ketentuanMu penuh cinta,

agar Kau dapat aku hadrikan memenuhi jiwa,

agar di hati hanya ada Kamu,

dan setiap saat yang aku miliki untukMu,

agar aku mampu merindui saat itu

berehat setelah kepenatan di dunia ini

agar aku mampu mencintai mereka yang lain

walau itu terlalu sukar.....

dear Allah, i'm weak

yes u are!!!

salam...

been aeon, i know... things are easier said than done and i do believe that blog is not the best way to develop individu muslim... this is just a medium to share things at the bottom of my heart, things that i could only simplify by using a few words... and the true medium to develop individu muslim is through dakwah and tarbiyyah...

too many things had happened, the ups and downs that somehow made me into who i am today... i could calmly feel that Allah is alleviating my way.... He made me through this way and He's alleviating... i could feel the easiness... and i can't never thank Him enough... and i just need Him, and i'm trying to have only Him deep in my heart... i could feel that He had somehow grant my prayers.... i used to envy with people who devote themselves to Allah, to dakwah, and and i envy people who live life happily knowing that Allah is there and enough... and later i realise that He is building me towards it....

and this is my battle field... perhaps this is just a beginning... i'm certain that Allah will place me in the real battle field for me to fight and die, and He'll place me in UK to allow me spread His word, helping people to see the unseen and He has been helping me for all this while.....

and if He doesn't allow me to syahid, He'll surely allow me to produce people who are ready to syahid... and i'll make full use of it, insha Allah..

and now, here i am, making full use of my time left, may Allah alleviate us, and give us strngth to stand still and strong to live and survive in this dunyah, ameen...

p/s: aishah hopes that u manage to see the unseen

salam...

2 years had passed after SPM ended... loads of thing happening, here and there, outside and inside that somehow made me who i am today, hehs....
looking back at those was not easy, it leads to amalgam of feelings, of course hating those day and wish that that was not u but realising that was ur past, nothing can be done other than being thankful to Allah for giving u chance to improve for the better...

and if two years back, i was having tonnes of questions on Islam, alhamdulillah, here i am willing and ready to share with people about Islam, praise be upon Allah...

and this blog aged 2 years, this engraves myself, my ups and downs, my POI and lots more... and it is meant to read and learn from my mistakes, may Allah give everyone strength and guidance to be better, ameen...

here goes my first post, exactly 2 years back :p
http://chalsini.blogspot.com/2008/12/salam-maal-hijrah.html

aishah hopes u manage to see the unseen...

transformation

salam....

we finished our duty as volunteer for netball game successfully i gues.... since kasukma started, kmb seems to have a new life, a new fresh breath i guess... seeing them coming down early for the training, as eraly as seven till 2 in the afternoon, cheering and supporting each other tho their friends are making mistakes, putting aside their meal for the sake of playing and lots more sacrifaction make my tears running.... if only this spirit can be transformed into jihad spirit...

and suddenly, my imagination on battles during Rasulullah time coming in....
it was raining, quite heavily... but the netball players keep on palying, passing the ball, slipping, going through the rain, putting themselves into the risk of having fever, they keep on play till they won the game.... and i remember during Battle of Badr, when Rasulullah and sshabats went through the rain.... and during Battle of Ahzab, when Allah sent down heavy rain to sweep away the musyrikin, SUBHANALLAH.... its for different aim, with the same intention: TO WIN...

kmb was having a tough match with kuala nerang, very.... and there was one time when kmb was leading by one mark, just one... and everyone was hoping of course for the victory... and the debaran and hope and fear that we feel remind me on Rasullullah feeling during Battle of Badr when he sobbed terribly asking for the victory till Abu Bakr came and cooled him down telling him that Allah will surely give them victory...

and ffinally we lost to kuala nerang.... aini, the catain suddenly collapsed and we were running for her, bringing her to the tent... i remember the story during Battle of Uhud, when a lot of sahabats were injured... i now understand the meaning of worriness... i cried while holding her up, praying that she's not gonna die for this game... and deep down in my heart, i wish that it was a war, and my friends were injured and i pray that they will syahid...

i cn't stop tears from running out for every game, Tuhan, aku rindukan jihad... aku rindukan dan mahukan semangat serta kebolehan yang dimiliki setiap umat diletakkan pada tempat yang sepatutnya... anugerahkan aku semangat untuk berjihad mengembalikan kegemilngan islam agar dapat aku letakkan islam pada haknya yang teratas....

ya muqalllibalqulub,
tsabitqulubana 'ala dinik,
wa'ala toatik,
wa'ala syahadatik,
wa'ala jihadatik,
fisabilik,
innakani'mal maula hu wa ni'mannasir....