indecisive

Assalamualaikum warahmatullah.

It's been a while since I lie to myself. I thought I can be strong, I am big enough to face the reality, but o can't deny that o am deeply weak. At times, we live, we work and we believe as what we hope we can, we wish and work for something that we believe. I thought I've found something that I've been searching for long, but later I realise that i know nothing. Most of the time, I believe that I do things because of Allah but later i doubt. I don't know. Life without guidance is insane. It is. And I live, I walk, and keep on living with hope that there will be light in some part of the world. And Allah will test, but He will never abandon us. But it just later that i realise that this black dirty heart is too weak that fail to read Allah's language and sign. For all this while, I tried, I tried to grow up, live my life as an adult, pretending that i am matured and ready to face and embrace challenges, but later i realise that i am nothing. I thought i have something but sooner I know I have nothing.

Ya Allah, I pray, whatever tests that u're putting on me, I bet u, please. Don't let me go astray. I can't afford to lose You. Even when You are taking the whole world from me, please, don't take You from me. Tho it sounds like I'm about to die, please keep me living. I am too weak, and i seek for purification.