20 + 1

assalamualaikum warahmatullah

Allah! sungguh! tiada daya dan upaya kita selain dari Dia.

in the 5th week of my Easter Break, weeks of searching and finding and ....

things are hard to describe, even i myself confuse. i know where i'm going and heading but i don't know where these people are bringing me to. and Allah grant me the feeling even though just mere of what Rasulullah felt when wahyu stop for months. and also what Nabi Musa felt when he longing for murabbi and bean his journey to find his murabbi. often i ask myself, isn;t just the complicated me, at times i am afraid if the egoistic me playing the role. i wish that the jahiliyyah part that i used to had, the ideology that i lived and fought for has been totally discarded. and whenever such things come, i can't afford to move on, i pause and reflect,...

and Allah always knows how to calm me down, to clear my doubts, He sent me, and us a murabbi, and alhamdulillah, from her i found the answer, i see the big picture, i know what's going on and i know that i gotta play the role.

at times, i say to Allah that i am just 21, and i don't really have someone who hold my hands and guide me step by step. i am just too young to be telling those people older than me, i am just one person, what difference can i make? i don't know, it's always this inner conflicts that keep me thinking and thinking and when i think, i always have this one look that disguise people i kno. and for that i prefer to keep myself away :p

i remember when i was young, i was addicted to ultraman, all types of ultraman, and silently i whisper to be among the team, not he ultraman but the team who always keep themselves aware with whatever enemies that have the intention to attack the earth. and i remember i once had this little fight with my dearest friend trying to comfort her that ultraman is a good movie, it's not crap.
and also when i was in standard 6, i had fight again with my friends convincing them that staying in hostl can help u to develop self esteem etc.
and when i was in Bukit Merbah, i took 2 years to adapt my teenage life.
and when i was in the debate team, i start to explore myself.
and the journey of exploring continued until i took my step to KMB.
and the peak was when i start to understand tarbiyyah.

and my murabbi simplifies my journey in very simple sentence : u're a thinker. u think, analyse and put things in order.

and she explained the hadith regarding solat asar di bani quraizah to me well, very well.

and i took a very deep breath, putting all the puzzles together, looking into her eyes, and i made a promise to Allah, that i won't give up.

21 might be young to some people, still very new to tarbiyyah, but the past generations proved us that 21 is the age of syabab. 21 means a big thing, usamah became the Jeneral when he was just 18, Sultan Muhammad was also 21, Hassan al-Banna was also 21, and lots more people become syabab when they were around that age.

i better stop looking at everything using the wrong glasses. i should start looking on things on Allah's point of view. i had became somebody and used all my potentials when i was in jahiliyyah and why shouldn't i limit them after i understand Islam. whatever things that Allah gives me is an amanah and it would be questioned later. what should i answer to Allah ?;(

lots more to explain, i try to be as good as i could, life without murabbi (or murabbiah) is caca merba. u just don't know how to put things in order. but that's what Allah wants me to learn. He knows me best, how to tarbiyyah me, how to slowly but deeply guide me.

i should open my heart to His language, to His signs, to His armies.

and i hereby declare that i should be reading asas-asas Islam, dasar-dasar Islam, raheeq maqtum and all the sahabahs stories AGAIN!!!! yes, again!!!

lots more to learn, and learning process should never jinakkan whatever potential that we have.

lets start seeing and viewing things with Allah's glasses.

sungguh! tiada daya dan upaya kita selain dari Dia!!!

ya Allah! i seek for Your guidance and purification.

p/s: aishah hopes u see the unseen.