L.O.N.G.I.N.G

assalamualaikum warahmatullah

people said, when u stop blogging for a long time, that shows something is not right with ur iman, if really your intention of blogging is sincerely, purely because of Allah, and that statement touched me, i paused and reflect, indeed it is.

it's been 9 weeks, since i've been here, the land that i've been longing since 12, the ambition that i've keeping since 12, the dreams... i don't know, i remember when i was in teens, when i was eagerly seeking the true meaning of Islam, when i was truly confuse with my own religion until the time when i was undoubtedly believe and have faith in Allah... it was a long time, before Allah grant me a truly amazing nikmah, that was the time... i remember when i was putting this strong desire with my dearest seeker buddy, we promised to fly to UK together, to understand and practice Islam better, to be good Muslims, we promised to go to Spain together, sitting together, embracing and appreciating Islam... i miss the feeling, truly, Allah, i don't know where had things gone, since i've been here, i can't lie that the emptiness had seem to dominate most of my time here, it made me reflect most of the time, why didn't i feel closer to Allah here? why didn't i feel that the universe is having zikir with me? why didn't i feel that Allah is comforting me with His sun... i don't know..

it's been a long time, since i remembered the Palestinians, since i cried badly being a sinner, it's been a long time that i forget my ambition, and it's been even a long time, that i feel as a servant.. too many things to reflect, every second we are getting nearer to death, but too bad that my deeds was terrible, i scared, scared of meeting Him with my heart is partially or may be full with dunyah, i miss having the feeling to change because of Him, it's always good to muhasabah all the time, perhaps my istighfar had now become a routine, astaghfirullah, and my zikir become likes songs, astaghfirullah, no wonder the sun had no longer warm me, no wonder the squirrel and birds no longer looking at me, no wonder the trees become my shadow, because i am a sinner, i seek Allah's forgiveness

oh Allah,

i really longing the feeling; to fully submit myself and most importantly my heart and feeling to You, to You they all belongs, to You we are all looking for, i seek for forgiveness, i seek for guidance, i seek for solutions, i seek for forgiveness, i seek for blessing, even i know... that i don't deserve all those...

p/s: aishah hopes u see the unseen

p/s: dym, we'll go to andalus one day, biiznillah

p/s: jan, i'm longong for what u're feeling now

7305 days

assalamualaikum

been thinking on this lately, u know when baby was born, people usually notice his/her age, too be honest, we count the days his/her is living, but as we grow older, we don't care about the day anymore, we care on year, and i believe that's the reason why we feel that we are still young as age pass very long, but days pass very fast, serious....

i don't know, i can't tell how much thankful i am for reaching 7305 days, i remember i told my friend once, "aku rasa aku mati muda, dalam 20 cam tu", and recalling back the dialogue, i can't afford other than to sit and istighfar, how that time i said without planning, i mean i could somehow feel that i won't live too long on this dunyah, but how come i could just say without doing anything, what a waste right?

i remember during the semester 3 holiday, i totally felt that it's the "day", and when i was in the bus from alor star to butterworth and suddenly the bus stop in sudden, i could not afford to do anything other than tawakkal to Him, "if this is the day, please forgive all my sin", and when nothing happened, i pray that i could continue my sem 4 and continue to do dakwah....

and people were busy preparing for the IB exam, i was busy playing with the feeling, i know that it's either i wll die before the exam or He'll ease everything, and when i finished the paper, i know that i will pass JPA requirement even though not as excellent as others....

and that feeling comes again, i seriously thought that there will be no 2 september 2011 to me, and how i passes the days with ambiguous feeling, especially during ramadhan, when i wake up on september 2, only Allah knows how do i feel, but again, the same question slapped my head, how much do i prepare for the "day"

and again, i have no guarantee that i will fly, death can come in sudden right? Allah had remind us so many times but why do we still repent? i don't know, too many things in my head, i know that i always think too much but it makes no harm to me but insha Allah, it's way better than spending time uselessly right?

that's all for now, the number is no longer 7305 days, it's becoming 7312 days today, alhamdulillah, and let's work and live as of we are seeing Allah, and if we don't He is watching us what? :p

aishah hopes u manage to see the unseen :)

i don't kk

serabut

assalamualaikum

this blessful morning welcome that feeling again, i've been stress out this lately with certain things, perhaps i shouldn;t but this weak aishah is trying her best to fully submit herself to Allah, i don't know, it's pretty hard to describe how does it feel, not that i am sceptical, what more snobbish, i seek Allah's protection from any jahiliyyah and al hawa'....

when i was little, i have this one little wish, that i keep it until now, and i try to turn it into reality, tho it's hard, super duper hard... i wish that one day, i could smile to Allah and say "i listen and i do", i just have that dream since young, but as aishah grows older, that dream has somehow missing but Allah always know what's in this little hard., i don't know what will be happening next, i don't know long for how long will i cry after this (i cry at a minimum of 30 mins), i don't know how stress will i be, i don't know, i know that those are negative feelings but thinking that i'll be starting it all over again "alone", i couldn't imagine any positive feelings that i would have, but as i always whisper to Allah, if that bring me nearer to You, "I listen and I do", i pray, and i seek prayers that i'll be strong, super strong for the ummah coz only He knows how weak i am

i am a thinker, and i think and analyse things, when i see people, i "see" what they are thinking, when i see things, i "see" how they are process, and this complicated mind of mine is a special gift from Allah, that explains why i always keep my mouth shut and always posses stern face... because i see problems everywhere and i think on ways to cure,..

i always put myself beside those good people and i will end up feel so small, i want to follow them, i try to make my speech, smile actions and everything because of Allah and how would i expect me riang ria bergembira? to be in His path is a bliss, and we are actually pert of the long chain, but i often ask myself if i actually try to prepare myself for the next generation, and this reflections always haunt me, when we talk about His path, we are not talking just about fikrah and dakwah, Islam is everything, we shouldn't feel good after we understand dakwah, there are lots more to think, and improve....

i don't know, may be again this aishah is complicated

ya Allah,

i seek for ur light to guide me to the true path, this heart only belongs to You

p/s: i hope u see the unseen

i am

Tuhan,

bagaimana mungkin aku mencintai saat itu,

andai diri penuh dosa,

dan hati ini bercampur dengan benda selainMu,

mengapa seakan sukar,

untuk aku tunduk patuh,

menjadi hamba yang merdeka,

dari benda selainMu,

sebak ini seakan tidak mampu aku tanggung,

aku hanya ingin jadi hamba yang patuh,

yang hanya memikirkan tentang bekerja untukMU,

namun ujian yang datang,

seakan sukar untuk aku hadapi,

Tuhan,

hati ini hanya miliMu,

tak ingin aku kongsi dengan sesiapa,

walau mereka punya hak yang perlu aku tunai,

namun bagaimana mampu untuk aku beri,

andai kepadaMu gagal aku serahkan segala

Tuhan,

seakan sukar untuk aku percaya,

bahawa ini medanku yang telah kau cipta,

ampun kan diri kerna masih mengintai,

peluang untuk aku syahid di PalestinaMu,

dengan jasad bersimbah darah,

dan setiap saat yang aku ada sebagai pahlawan,

agar diri ini penuh sedia,

dan dunia ini mampu aku campak ke hujugnya,,

Tuhan,

dalam pasrah, aku belajar untuk redha,

dan menerima ketentuanMu penuh cinta,

agar Kau dapat aku hadrikan memenuhi jiwa,

agar di hati hanya ada Kamu,

dan setiap saat yang aku miliki untukMu,

agar aku mampu merindui saat itu

berehat setelah kepenatan di dunia ini

agar aku mampu mencintai mereka yang lain

walau itu terlalu sukar.....

dear Allah, i'm weak

salah KITA

perjalanan melihat umat seketika

diakhiri lelah tidak upaya

hanya mampu menggeleng kepala

melihat ummah membabi buta

melihat telunjuk mereka

tanpa ditapis apa-apa

tanpa memahami makna segala.

Diam aku tak terkata

salah mereka kerana terpedaya?

atau salah aku sebab tak buat kerja?

Istighfar seketika,

aku lah,

punca segala bala

keranan aku hanya menggeleng kepala

tanpa sedikit upaya

membimbing mereka jauh dari neraka...

ya Rabb

kurnia aku peluang seterusnya

untuk aku menguat kan upaya

menempuh onak yang penuh menggoda

menentang mereka yang durjana

walau lidah kelu untuk bicara

kerana hanya ada KAU di hatiku...

mari melajukan langkah!!!!!!!!!!

DON'T LIE

assalamualaikum...

it has been a long time, it's extremely difficult, for me to post anything, not that i don't feel like sharing, not that i', lazy but i believe and certain that this is not the nest medium for me to build the ummah, for me to build the individu muslim, but never mind, may this little sharing be useful, for everyone, especially for those whom realise their purpose in life...

finishing my IB Diploma and now living in home, i am still adjusting myself with the reality, yes i was living in the fantasy for all this while, i keep admitting that Allah is showing the real world from the moment i finished my economics paper 2 till now i'm typing this... too many things had happened, beautifully planned by ALLAH, and i am thankful for being chosen to realise all these...

in finishing (or should i say enjoying?) this holidays, so many things that need to be fulfilled, of course from family and friends but in the same time, we know most our priority, what matters most to us is Allah, hence keep focus in working and living our life towards Him, don't jeopardize our life and waste our time to do something that will not bring us even an inch towards Him, we don't have time to be wasted, the Kuffar is working extremely hard and death is approaching us anytime, and we, the small Allah's creatures can still afford to stand still, smile and play around? i wonder what made us to that, i thought we have vowed in our solat, that "only You we worship, and only You we seek help"

i don't know, it's hard to type everything out, that's why i believe that the best medium for us to know Islam and be good Muslim is through Dakwah and Tarbiyyah, get into the system, and u will know Allah and Islam deeper.... (kindly contact me if u're interested :p) coz i have faith that the system has been practised by Rasulullah and whom else do u wanna follow if not the Rasul?

this life is so short, like robots, animals, plants and even bacteria and viruses that have purpose for their existence, we too have bigger purpose for our existence that we need to discover, i believe that we all do realise this just that we are too "busy" on our living until we ignore this "soundless" shout in our heart, don't deny, don't live in denial, u will soon wake up, just that i pray that it won't be too late...

till here for now, i do hope u manage to see the unseen, may Allah bless us all and grant us His nur, ameen

HE!!!

it's been time, m scared of writing nonsense and i pray that Allah counts every little thing that i do....

it's been a while that i've been having this feeling, sth deep, too deep to be described, useless, small, helpless and lots more, and i couldn't afford other than to pray that Allah is not angry with me coz i am just too weak and do a lot of mistakes... i've been such a bad servant, perhaps there are times that i fail to remember Him, there are time that i do things that He doesn't like, there are time that i keep my mouth shut... even worse, there are time that i fail to put Him as the only "ILAH" and "RABB" (if only i can tell u the definition of these 2 powerful words. SEARCH: 4 ISTILAH BY AL MAUDUDI)...

and as exam is coming nearer, as a little useless student that is trying to be a good servant, i can feel that He is soothing my ways, and everything... and i could feel the warm and tranquil air that He is sending me, the peace and cold in the midnight, the calm and jubilant in the night and lots more....

oh Allah,

in this idyllic evening, i bet for ur kindness, to give mercy in everything that i am doing, please, don't ever neglect me coz i can't afford to breath without You by my side, grant me istiqamah and please, allow me to be among ur syuhada'.... i bet for Your love, and mercy...