indah

assalamualaikum warahmatullah

had a pre-hectic week last week, it wasn't hectic at all just that after long time of indulging and chilling out, He told me that i need a push, the time has come to get serious and mature... and nothing can makes me smile when somebody texted me that they'll be coming out to UK :)

alhamdulillah, Allah always knows how to cherish me up, after long coldness, i couldn't thank Him enough, their presence even just for very short time brings big difference to life, menyegarkan iman yang lesu...

i don't know, when i was in KMB, we were too busy writing and building people until i don't really have time with other people and live with them... my time was mostly with this little group of people that their presence had truly becomes my shoulders, the group of people that Allah made us met in this path and their absence is dearly missed. i really feel that it's dakwah that connects us together, we have nothing common at all, we are different definitely, and we too have inferiority complex, things were so hard at first but alhamdulillah, all praises to Allah for all the smiles, the pains and lots more that we went through... when somebody told me that it's extremely important for us too sit and leave together with other people not just to discuss about dakwah, i can't afford to agree because to me, i get connected to people only because of dakwah... i might not know this few people in details, i might not know what are their favourite food, but i know what are their favourite verses in the Quran... i might not know that they can't understand their studies but Allah always tell me that these people are not stable or they are futur,,, and i live my life that way, i find sweetness in that relationships cause we are tied by aqidah and even special by heart.. i know that i don't have them around always, and sometimes we could just smile to each other from far, having eye contact from far cause we can't afford to go near and let our heart out, but that glance of eyes is telling me something, and that touch and grip when we salam means so much to me... we might pray at different time and place but i know that we are saying the same thing to Allah... they might not know that i was sleeping in the class but i know that they are praying to Allah so that i can focus in class... and i might not understand how hard physiology and anatomy in but they know that i ask Allah to alleviate them...

and although physically apart but we are soul-ly connected.. and all the nikmah come from Allah

when i had the chance to spend my time with them as human, i feel awkward, because i never ad before, i started to think on differences that i should have when i claim that i now is having tarbiyyah, tarbiyyah means difference, i don't know, when we are not busy working for the big things, little things will make us busy... i always wish to spend time with my friends, sitting together, eat and drinks and pour our hearts out, but often i reminding myself that ummah needs us more, but i forget that i am just a human, and they tooo...

untuk awak,
we might not say much, but i know the face, the reactions, the grip and the touched. Allah is telling me that we need personal time, just the two of us together. may Allah give us that chance, even if we do not have, ui am sure u know that we have Him, that smiles from you is motivating, telling me that u're struggling and u're not doing nothing. have faith dear, super strong faith, keep running towards Him..

untuk mereka yang Allah temukan kita di jalan dakwah,
we might not have time to spend together because ummah needs us... have faith, have Him, jagalah Allah, nescaya Dia akan menjaga kamu...

even we are apart, we become one in prayer

i miss everyone, people that come in my prayer, in my dreams but here is where my battle field... ini bumi yang Allah pertanggungjawabkan to me, and this is where the battle begins...
the time will come for us to sit together on the dipan, chilling out, smiling, laughing, laying on the green grass, staring on the blue sky, with Rasulullah and sahabahs you guys and others by my side...

dalam dakapan ukhuwwah,
aishahabdulhalim
warwick, UK

p/s: aishah hopes u see the unseen

tsabat

assalamualaikum warahmatullah

may all of us in good iman and health

i don't know, it was a few days ago that i paused and reflect; do i really want Allah?
and that question made me ponder for the whole day and i can't do anything on that day,, do i want Allah? do i really want Allah? i don't know, living here, with so many things different and free from Malaysia, without parents, good friends, naqibah what more bi'ah, i could do all the things that i want but seldom i asked myself, is it really iman that keeps me sane? or actually the culture and norms that i used to?

do we really want Allah? not need, but want; 2 different things... we seldom feel need, unless we are at the bottom most level of life, but want is a very challenging feeling, do u really want Allah even when u feel really sleepy and u have good bed and duvet to sleep? do u really want Allah if u could spend money travelling the world rather visiting friends in this path? do u really want Allah when u have all the good food, drinks and lots more?

do u really want Allah; what does ur heart said? ironic, when actions and mouth don't go together... but that is often right? put aside the da'wah part, we are not even Muslims at heart even we are busy updating our status on FB or telling our Kuffur friends that we are Muslims...

i don't know, when Allah said, submit not just yourself, but also wealth and soul, i couldn't afford not to agree that y soul is not fully belong to Allah... i can't deny that even i bow my head down whispering Allah..Allah..Allah, but my heart doesn't collaborate, and i couldn't deny that there are still lots more thing to improve... we are busy telling people about Islam, reading books about Islam, travelling here and there visiting heritage and cultures left by Islam once but we are actually nothing, our heart are empty, we are doing all those stuff for the sake of our nafs, Allah is not in our hearts when we are busy snapping pictures when visiting Spain, Turkey etc, Allah is not in our heart when we read books, even worst Allah is not in ur heart when we are busy talking about Islam

astaghfirullah,,

ya Allah,
u know what's in our little heart,
it's still too far; to submit ourselves fully to Allah,
but i bet u,
to still keep us on this path
to still guide us on ur way
tho we are nobody
tho we are just little tiny creature
but we Want YoU
We need You

and i am a slave to You,

dear Allah,
i am weak

p/s: hati ini milik Dia
i hope u see the unseen

L.O.N.G.I.N.G

assalamualaikum warahmatullah

people said, when u stop blogging for a long time, that shows something is not right with ur iman, if really your intention of blogging is sincerely, purely because of Allah, and that statement touched me, i paused and reflect, indeed it is.

it's been 9 weeks, since i've been here, the land that i've been longing since 12, the ambition that i've keeping since 12, the dreams... i don't know, i remember when i was in teens, when i was eagerly seeking the true meaning of Islam, when i was truly confuse with my own religion until the time when i was undoubtedly believe and have faith in Allah... it was a long time, before Allah grant me a truly amazing nikmah, that was the time... i remember when i was putting this strong desire with my dearest seeker buddy, we promised to fly to UK together, to understand and practice Islam better, to be good Muslims, we promised to go to Spain together, sitting together, embracing and appreciating Islam... i miss the feeling, truly, Allah, i don't know where had things gone, since i've been here, i can't lie that the emptiness had seem to dominate most of my time here, it made me reflect most of the time, why didn't i feel closer to Allah here? why didn't i feel that the universe is having zikir with me? why didn't i feel that Allah is comforting me with His sun... i don't know..

it's been a long time, since i remembered the Palestinians, since i cried badly being a sinner, it's been a long time that i forget my ambition, and it's been even a long time, that i feel as a servant.. too many things to reflect, every second we are getting nearer to death, but too bad that my deeds was terrible, i scared, scared of meeting Him with my heart is partially or may be full with dunyah, i miss having the feeling to change because of Him, it's always good to muhasabah all the time, perhaps my istighfar had now become a routine, astaghfirullah, and my zikir become likes songs, astaghfirullah, no wonder the sun had no longer warm me, no wonder the squirrel and birds no longer looking at me, no wonder the trees become my shadow, because i am a sinner, i seek Allah's forgiveness

oh Allah,

i really longing the feeling; to fully submit myself and most importantly my heart and feeling to You, to You they all belongs, to You we are all looking for, i seek for forgiveness, i seek for guidance, i seek for solutions, i seek for forgiveness, i seek for blessing, even i know... that i don't deserve all those...

p/s: aishah hopes u see the unseen

p/s: dym, we'll go to andalus one day, biiznillah

p/s: jan, i'm longong for what u're feeling now

7305 days

assalamualaikum

been thinking on this lately, u know when baby was born, people usually notice his/her age, too be honest, we count the days his/her is living, but as we grow older, we don't care about the day anymore, we care on year, and i believe that's the reason why we feel that we are still young as age pass very long, but days pass very fast, serious....

i don't know, i can't tell how much thankful i am for reaching 7305 days, i remember i told my friend once, "aku rasa aku mati muda, dalam 20 cam tu", and recalling back the dialogue, i can't afford other than to sit and istighfar, how that time i said without planning, i mean i could somehow feel that i won't live too long on this dunyah, but how come i could just say without doing anything, what a waste right?

i remember during the semester 3 holiday, i totally felt that it's the "day", and when i was in the bus from alor star to butterworth and suddenly the bus stop in sudden, i could not afford to do anything other than tawakkal to Him, "if this is the day, please forgive all my sin", and when nothing happened, i pray that i could continue my sem 4 and continue to do dakwah....

and people were busy preparing for the IB exam, i was busy playing with the feeling, i know that it's either i wll die before the exam or He'll ease everything, and when i finished the paper, i know that i will pass JPA requirement even though not as excellent as others....

and that feeling comes again, i seriously thought that there will be no 2 september 2011 to me, and how i passes the days with ambiguous feeling, especially during ramadhan, when i wake up on september 2, only Allah knows how do i feel, but again, the same question slapped my head, how much do i prepare for the "day"

and again, i have no guarantee that i will fly, death can come in sudden right? Allah had remind us so many times but why do we still repent? i don't know, too many things in my head, i know that i always think too much but it makes no harm to me but insha Allah, it's way better than spending time uselessly right?

that's all for now, the number is no longer 7305 days, it's becoming 7312 days today, alhamdulillah, and let's work and live as of we are seeing Allah, and if we don't He is watching us what? :p

aishah hopes u manage to see the unseen :)

i don't kk

serabut

assalamualaikum

this blessful morning welcome that feeling again, i've been stress out this lately with certain things, perhaps i shouldn;t but this weak aishah is trying her best to fully submit herself to Allah, i don't know, it's pretty hard to describe how does it feel, not that i am sceptical, what more snobbish, i seek Allah's protection from any jahiliyyah and al hawa'....

when i was little, i have this one little wish, that i keep it until now, and i try to turn it into reality, tho it's hard, super duper hard... i wish that one day, i could smile to Allah and say "i listen and i do", i just have that dream since young, but as aishah grows older, that dream has somehow missing but Allah always know what's in this little hard., i don't know what will be happening next, i don't know long for how long will i cry after this (i cry at a minimum of 30 mins), i don't know how stress will i be, i don't know, i know that those are negative feelings but thinking that i'll be starting it all over again "alone", i couldn't imagine any positive feelings that i would have, but as i always whisper to Allah, if that bring me nearer to You, "I listen and I do", i pray, and i seek prayers that i'll be strong, super strong for the ummah coz only He knows how weak i am

i am a thinker, and i think and analyse things, when i see people, i "see" what they are thinking, when i see things, i "see" how they are process, and this complicated mind of mine is a special gift from Allah, that explains why i always keep my mouth shut and always posses stern face... because i see problems everywhere and i think on ways to cure,..

i always put myself beside those good people and i will end up feel so small, i want to follow them, i try to make my speech, smile actions and everything because of Allah and how would i expect me riang ria bergembira? to be in His path is a bliss, and we are actually pert of the long chain, but i often ask myself if i actually try to prepare myself for the next generation, and this reflections always haunt me, when we talk about His path, we are not talking just about fikrah and dakwah, Islam is everything, we shouldn't feel good after we understand dakwah, there are lots more to think, and improve....

i don't know, may be again this aishah is complicated

ya Allah,

i seek for ur light to guide me to the true path, this heart only belongs to You

p/s: i hope u see the unseen

i am

Tuhan,

bagaimana mungkin aku mencintai saat itu,

andai diri penuh dosa,

dan hati ini bercampur dengan benda selainMu,

mengapa seakan sukar,

untuk aku tunduk patuh,

menjadi hamba yang merdeka,

dari benda selainMu,

sebak ini seakan tidak mampu aku tanggung,

aku hanya ingin jadi hamba yang patuh,

yang hanya memikirkan tentang bekerja untukMU,

namun ujian yang datang,

seakan sukar untuk aku hadapi,

Tuhan,

hati ini hanya miliMu,

tak ingin aku kongsi dengan sesiapa,

walau mereka punya hak yang perlu aku tunai,

namun bagaimana mampu untuk aku beri,

andai kepadaMu gagal aku serahkan segala

Tuhan,

seakan sukar untuk aku percaya,

bahawa ini medanku yang telah kau cipta,

ampun kan diri kerna masih mengintai,

peluang untuk aku syahid di PalestinaMu,

dengan jasad bersimbah darah,

dan setiap saat yang aku ada sebagai pahlawan,

agar diri ini penuh sedia,

dan dunia ini mampu aku campak ke hujugnya,,

Tuhan,

dalam pasrah, aku belajar untuk redha,

dan menerima ketentuanMu penuh cinta,

agar Kau dapat aku hadrikan memenuhi jiwa,

agar di hati hanya ada Kamu,

dan setiap saat yang aku miliki untukMu,

agar aku mampu merindui saat itu

berehat setelah kepenatan di dunia ini

agar aku mampu mencintai mereka yang lain

walau itu terlalu sukar.....

dear Allah, i'm weak

salah KITA

perjalanan melihat umat seketika

diakhiri lelah tidak upaya

hanya mampu menggeleng kepala

melihat ummah membabi buta

melihat telunjuk mereka

tanpa ditapis apa-apa

tanpa memahami makna segala.

Diam aku tak terkata

salah mereka kerana terpedaya?

atau salah aku sebab tak buat kerja?

Istighfar seketika,

aku lah,

punca segala bala

keranan aku hanya menggeleng kepala

tanpa sedikit upaya

membimbing mereka jauh dari neraka...

ya Rabb

kurnia aku peluang seterusnya

untuk aku menguat kan upaya

menempuh onak yang penuh menggoda

menentang mereka yang durjana

walau lidah kelu untuk bicara

kerana hanya ada KAU di hatiku...

mari melajukan langkah!!!!!!!!!!