what am i searching for???

salam...
it had been a long time i didn't put myself in this "mushy" mood and i start to miss it. and, since today is friday n last nite, i just spoke to raihan for one hour., i think i need to say it out. dunno, i woke up early today and i started to reflect myself. no, actually it started when my mom told me that it would be better if i can apply for jpa instead of exxon and it's even better if i can go to other countries like japan instead of states.
after all, i know choosing to accept exxon's offer and choosing to be in states in this situation is such a gamble, i know my parents are surely worry of my future, it's not because of the econs only but also the politics, yes i know. even my relatives also against me and i kinda expect this thing pun but i don't really care as for me u don't know the reasons. hay! studying in overseas is something that i've been dreaming n hoping since i was 12. nobody knows the real reason, it's not because of da snow, it's not because of da glamorous, it's because of da freedom! NO!!! but there's something that i've been searching for a long time, there's something that i need to find it there, something that i'll never find it here, malaysia. and when allah gives me da chance, i'll take it because only he knows what i am hoping for, only he understands me well. if going to states will lead me to death, i don't mind as i know, allah knows better. i heard this statements only twice in my life time and i am not really sure but it goes somethig like; i went to france and i found islam without muslims and i went back to egypt and i found muslims without islam. i don't really sure who said this, either as-syahid imam hassan al-bana or syeikh jamaluddin al-afghani but this statements enlighten my spirit to study overseas. i don't care about da snow n etc. but i care about da islam. yes, i don't wanna be a muslim just because i was born as a muslim, no! and that's why i keep on reading books about this thing and i keep on asking people esp my ustaz and ustazah regarding this thing. it's not because that i don't believe in islam, no! i do believe in islam but i just want to find out and i really want to have da strong reasons why i am a muslim like the muallaf have. i always admire the muallaf esp those that choose to be da da'ie after they converted to islam, u make me proud. i don't wanna be a banal muslim no! i believe that allah created me with his own purpose which i don't know and that's why i need to discover. i remember when i asked my ustaz da question. it's like, "ustaz, as muslims we think that we're right and for the christs, they also think that they are right and how can u gave me da guarantee that we are right?" ustaz was speechless, it's like illogocal and can lead to murtad don't get me wrong. i just want to know da correct answer. i read a lot especially about religious thingy and i will not forget ustaz's advise," awak lepas baca buku agama terus tanya sesiapa untuk minta penjelasan, jangan baca buku tanpa tanya orang beragama sebab awak ada potensi nak sesat".. i was speechless and when da next time i prayed, i cried. i want to have da keimanan like what da sahabats have, i want my imam to be like imam al-bana and all da people that are willing for jihad and that's why i keep on searching for that. that's why i need to study overseas, i want to find da true islam, not muslims. i want to bring back da muslims glory and that's why i need to go overseas and search for da strength and guts. i can't afford to be with secularists anymore, i need to find my inner strength. i know my soul, i know, if those are the reasons, going to al-azhar is the best way, even my relatives will be very happy but no! i want to have da sunnatullah and syariatullah. allah does not ask everyone to go to the battle filed and fight, and i don't want to search for akhirat only, i want to have both because that only can open their eyes. even during the glorious time that muslims have, they are all-rounded.
i don't choose to go overseas without purpose. after five years living in seremban, yes, my home is the best place but i keep on asking myself, until when i am going to be in this comfort zone. if snow is my main purpose, i better live in malaysia and travel there with my family during snow. if freedom is my choice, i don't have to go overseas, i can also get it in malaysia but haaa....
i always love da feeling when i feel hopeless and at that time i don't have any help except from allah. i love da feeling when i think that i live alone in this world and i only have allah. i have da feeling when i am surrounded with muslims girls that don't wear tudung and i'll say to myself, ya allah, i hope that u'll keep on giving me da guts to keep on weraing tudung even though i am surrounded with naked people. it's not about proud but it's about the keimanan that u have towards him to keep on doing things that he asked. and alhamdulillah, i thank allah for always giving me such feeling. i need to eradicate myself from this comfort zone as soon as possible, i can't afford to stay any longer or if not i'll keep on thunking that i don't need him anymore.
what am i searching for? it's a norm when spm is coming very soon, u can see people are busy reciting da yassin, reading quran, stop profanity, perfoming hajat prayers and all, but i always ask myself, what am i searching for by doing this thing? is it only for my spm and after i get my result, i'll stop doing this? and, i'll surely answer it as no!!! i'll keep on doing that through out my life time and for that reason, i really need to go overseas. i don't have to go to states just to be an engineer. i have cousins who study engineering in malaysia. no, i am going to overseas to find islam, to find ny inner strength to bring back muslims glory and come back to malaysia to perbetulkan the secularists and muslims that practise liberal islamic. yeah, that's what i am hoping and working for. i have my own reasons for making such decision and for that reason, i only rely on allah to decide my path and i'll just follow him and i'll ignore what others will say as i know he's the only one that knows what's good and what's not for me....

what's the real purpose of our existance in this world?
-tidak aku jadikan jin dan manusia kecuali untuk beribadat kepadaku-
let's ponder=)